3 Lessons From The Death Of My Husband – Joy Comes in the Mourning
No one desires to be a widow (unless you count the woman from “Goodbye Earl”, by the Dixie Chicks). I know I certainly never did.
In fact, I hated the idea of death so much that I would avoid anything related to it all together.
So, if you had told me 2+ years ago that I would see beauty in the death of my husband, Ben, I probably would have take a swing at you. Just kidding – I’m a Christian…
But, I definitely would have looked at you sideways, rolled my eyes and gave you a “mmmmhmmmm”, then said something to my sister about it later (I’m a work in progress ya’ll).
693 days later, here I stand as a widow and that’s exactly what I see. Beauty. You might be asking yourself how that’s even possible…. how could I see beauty in the death of my husband?
Well, in order for me to tell you that, I invite you to go back with me…
Lesson 1 – Heartache & Rejection
No matter how it starts, God is the author and finisher of our faith and He has a plan.
My husband, Ben spent his early life running in the backwoods of Maui, Hawaii, where he was born.
He told many stories of climbing mango trees barefoot (if you had seen his feet, you’d believe me) and chasing his 2 younger sisters, who he loved more than life itself.
And as beautiful as this picture is, he often spoke of the not so beautiful side.
You see, my husband grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father. And while I won’t share the things he saw and shared with me, it is enough to turn the stomach of any decent human being. Not to mention something that no child should have to endure.
But my friends, that is how satan gets in. He finds the cracks in our soul left by those who hurt us, and he wiggles his evil little way in and gets cozy.
For my husband, this manifested itself in women, alcohol, drugs, and anger.
When I met him, I saw the sweetness in his eyes, but over time I saw the darkness too.
For the first 33 years of his life, Ben turned his heart from God.
He refused to have anything to do with Him because he knew that it would require letting go of his anger, which he wasn’t ready to do (his words, not mine).
At one point he even had a conversation with God in which he said “I’ll stay out of your house, if you stay out of my life.” Shook his own hand, and walked away.
BUT GOD….
Lesson 2 – God’s intervention
Just as in the plan of salvation, God know exactly what we need to be saved and we CAN trust Him.
My husband often said that God knew the only way to really get his attention was with a pretty girl, and so he sent one that wouldn’t shut up about God (which was true!).
When Ben and I met in 2016, it was kind of a whirlwind romance that fizzed out as quickly as it caught fire.
We both loved quickly, and got pregnant almost as fast (oops).
And about 6 months into our relationship, we broke up. I was around 4 months pregnant when I found out that he not only drank very heavily, but was an active drug user (he originally told me he was in recovery).
Which, as the daughter of a drug user, was a deal breaker.
I managed to hold my ground and stay away from him until 2 weeks after our daughter was born.
As I saw him hold our sweet little baby, the warmth melted the ice off my heart and I remembered the love I held for him.
And as much as I would love to say that this is the end of a beautiful love story and we spent the next living happily ever after, that’s just not what happened.
Actually, long story short and 3 failed weddings later… we broke up.
In Between
But don’t worry folks, we all know that with any God story, tragedy is not the end!
We separated in 2019 after I learned some devastating news that I thought I would never be able to look past….
But, God had a plan.
During the 2 year separation between my (not yet) husband and I, God was hard at work on both our hearts!
My husband not only worked on his sobriety and became overcame his addiction to both drugs and alcohol during that time (PRAISE JESUS), he spent a whole month in Hawaii mending his heart and his relationship with his father.
PLUS – He finally opened his heart to the Lord and started building a relationship with Him.
When I say he was a whole new man…. I MEAN IT!
He was lighter, happier, more patient, and more free.
“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.“
John 8:36
And he was FREE… but my mind was made up….
How could I possibly go backwards after all of the hurt and pain?
Lesson 3 – Redemption
God’s ultimate goal is to save us, no matter the earthly cost. He knows our hearts and knows how to speak directly to them.
In 2021, we had planned a family trip to go to Hawaii so that my daughter could meet her grandfather who wasn’t well at the time.
My (not yet) husband, pleaded for us to go because he feared that our daughter wouldn’t have another chance to meet her grandfather.
So, off we went.
Those 7 days in Hawaii together were amazing.
But, the one moment that changed our lives forever happened when we least expected it.
On the 4th day, we agreed to meet at the private beach at his hotel (because we didn’t stay together). And I’ll never forget, while on the phone with him, trying to find him among the crowd, I see him…
He raised his hand high up in the air and waved. Then he smiled.
Instantly, my heart swelled, just like it had all those years ago when I watched him hold our baby daughter for the first time.
Once again, the ice melted from around my heart and the love returned.
Looking at this man, I knew I could not spend one more day without him. I loved him so deeply, so fully, and so much that he was it for me – and in that moment I knew. I wanted to marry him.
But I didn’t tell him that.
We went on about our day, just enjoying the beach, sun, and water and our sweet children. Then when we went our separate ways and we settled back into our hotel room, my phone rang.
It was him, of course.
“Can I ask you something?”, he said sweetly from the other side of the phone.
In my stubbornness I refused and simply said, “whatever it is, you can ask me when we get home.”
Deep inside I hoped it would be him asking for forever, but I feared that the allure of the island would sway our opinions. So I held to it.
When we arrived, he rode with me back to my house and looked over at me and said it…
“Hypothetically, if I asked you to marry me, what would you say?”
YUP – HYPOTHETICALLY LADIES!
The Rest is History
Part of me loves telling our story because it’s a way for me to relive it.
But the other part of me breaks towards the end, so I’ll cut a very long story short by saying, less than 3 months after he “officially” proposed, we were married in a beautiful ceremony at our family church.
And then less than 30 days after that, our amazing Lord and savior blessed us with a brand new baby that we would go on to name Bodhi.
Unfortunately, my husband would not make it to the birth of our beautiful son, but this precious little boy bares his name Peniamina and is the spitting image of his father.
And despite the loss of my husband, I am able to look at the beauty of it all and see God’s hand in it every step of the way.
He primed my husband’s heart in such a way that he was able to let go of the burden of addiction and anger, so that he may receive Jesus as his Lord and Savior.
Not to mention, he blessed me with a beautiful boy that reminds me of my husband in every way.
So, while being a widow sucks…
I am beyond thankful for this beautiful life of mine.
“Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.”
Psalms 30:5
The truth is, no matter how impossible things seem, when God is at work amazing things happen.
So I encourage you today, if you haven’t done so already, turn your heart to God, surrender to His purpose, and trust Him to make the way.
And if you have a friend or family member that you’ve been praying for, don’t give up. God hears you, He sees you, and He will come through!
GOD BLESS!
And if you have a story of redemption that you’d like to share, please comment and let me know! I’d love to connect with you and hear how God has changed your life 💖
